She makes me feel like it is raining outside

Something I realized today. When I am meeting a new person, I will use a different tone of voice depending on the person's gender.

If I am talking to a male, I will let my voice be its natural, deeper tone. If I am talking to a female, I will subconsciously throw my voice slightly, making it sound softer and higher pitched.

In general I dislike talking to guys. I feel like I put on a mask and just go with the flow. I am not true to myself, just to avoid being singled out.

There are many unwritten laws within guy culture.
You cannot cry.
You cannot talk about your feelings.
You cannot be sad.
You cannot show weakness.
You cannot feel pain.
You cannot show deep feelings of love.
You cannot fail.

If you are sensitive, then you are gay. If you cry or act sad, you are a pussy. If you do nice things for a girl that you aren't fucking, you are stupid.

I hate it.

I do not want to be an emotionless robot. I want to feel like it is okay for me to have feelings. I want to be able to tell happy stories about girls I'm crushing on, without being interrupted with, "so did you fuck her yet?" The moment can be wonderful without sex. I do not want people to act like I am weird when I say I wouldn't have sex with someone I just met.

I want to be able to write mushy love poems, and cute romance scenes without ridicule. I want to be able to tell awkward stories about my failed attempts at flirting and have us all just laugh with me, instead of at me.

I want to be able to talk about our problems, and feel like we all actually care. We all hurt, we all bleed, we all have rough sleepless nights, we don't have to tackle them alone.

I want to walk out into the rain and sing Blink 182 to the clouds.

To truly be brave, is to be yourself.

Finally building the Tau guys I bought way down in Virginia

        While walking around the quiet town of Stauton, Virginia with my three lovely ladies, I stumbled upon a gaming store that was hidden only a block away from our hotel. We went into the Dragon's Hoard at my request, while I was focused on the Warhammer model kits, the girls were surprisingly interested in the store. They loved the Lord of the Rings models, the fake vampire blood, zombie cookies, and tons of other silly nerd items that I can't even remember. I ended up getting a set of Tau stealth suits, feeling odd about the whole situation, who would have thought that my love of miniatures would be rekindled on a trip to the American Shakespeare Center.

So I went climbing today

First time I had climbed in around four years, and even then I barely tried as I am simply terrified of falling even in completely illogical situations. I felt a lot better on the wall this time around, but there was still moments where I could feel the fear seeping in.


My arms actually don't hurt yet, it would be more correct to say that my forearms and fingers simply aren't functioning. Hopefully over the summer my trips to the gym will make this less of an issue, and also make me not quite as complete suck at climbing.


I didn't make it up any of the walls and I even completely ignored the routes, but to be honest I don't care. I am proud of even the small distance I covered, maybe because I tried something outside my comfort zone, or maybe cause I know how much it took to be able to ignore the fear and step up to the challenge.


                                                                                                                  


Some days you realize just what you are up against. The world is filled with beautiful people, if you don't stack up, do you really stand a chance? Some days it is painfully obviously to see why you get overlooked.