A free writing

A sea of roses

A rose of thorns

A thorn of crowns

A crown of crows

A crow of thrones

A throne of knives

A knife of jade

A jade of night

A night of death

A death of souls

A soul of seas

I'm fine

I'm Fine.

I'm Fine.

You know something is wrong

I can't hide it anymore.

I'm Fine.

What do I tell you?

I don't know whats wrong.

I'm Fine.

She says its the keyword 

for something isn't right.

I'm Fine.

I feel like my brain is bursting

and won't stop churning.

My hand is like a velociraptor

violently clawing  the words and thoughts

viciously onto the page

as if desperately clawing out

a cave to weather the coming meteor storm.

I drive faster as if my little

Civic can somehow escape these

uncomfortable, manic feelings

of what must be borderline insanity.

Scratch, scratch, scratch,

little raptor claws.

Am I not Fine?

Certainly nothing is wrong but my swirling thoughts

and shaky hands saw otherwise.

something feels wrong

and I am desperate to feel fine.

I don't care if its the blue pill

or the red pill morpheus

just make it stop.

Hummingbirds and Sunlight

The cool brass against my bare skin is relaxing like a soft breeze on a hot day.
The little sun pendent bouncing off my chest in tune with my stride, catching the light and reflecting it back out and away, as if it really was its own brilliant star.

I find myself caressing it between two fingers, deep in thought. Ironically in my head I am caressing something as well, but something very different, something warm.

The clink and clamber of life snaps me back to reality, and I let the pendent slip back into the depths my shirt.

Desire is a powerful thing. It controls you, shapes you, defines you. A hummingbird will starve to death if it doesn't find nectar every few hours. Are we all just hummingbirds flitting around the flowerbeds?

Make your choices for you.

I always find myself debating my "talents" and if they are of any use in an actual career.

For the longest time in my life, I was convinced I was not talented at anything. These are the fears that come from growing up as a shy home schooled boy, with little to zero self esteem.

Now I find myself being a half decent writer, a solid editor. I now not only feel comfortable analyzing things, I enjoy it. I find myself applying logic to every topic I encounter. My mind is continuing to add to my catalog of "random information." I want to be able to answer everyone's question; "Why?"

I still believe I could be an excellent psychologist, but it is a path I do not wish to take. Being paid to know the answers to question that we just simply do not know yet is very intimidating, and as much as I like to pretend that I am always ready for any situation, always prepared with the right words to say, a clever example or metaphor... Its really all bullshit isn't it?

Just believe in what you say, you might be surprised how strongly someone else will believe it too.

The most pointless emotion

Jealousy.

Does it serve any purpose?

Most emotions have an underlining positive purpose.

Is Jealousy really only there to hurt us for reasons we shouldn't care about?

It is something I could do without.

So I get pretty into this game...

I am currently King Stannis III the great, king of ireland, wales, and england.
To my first wife I have two sons, my heir apparent Fáelbe, and his younger brother Loris.

Then my first wife tried to kill me so I threw her in the dungeon to rot. After that I remarried and had my first daughter Silla, and three more sons; Derek, Renly, and Robert. But my wife fell ill and died soon after, and I was forced to remarry a third time.

To my third wife I quickly had three more sons and a daughter. My sixth son, Brandon, and first child to my third wife died after only ten days (one has to wonder if a certain king slayer named jamie pushed him out a window) so the Seventh son was named Branden in his memory, followed by Patrick, who is apparently gay, and finally my tenth child, Linda.

My heir has been absolutely nothing but trouble. He has hated me for years, and even revolted against me. In  the following war, I brought the might of the rest of my family against Fáelbe and won, but at a heavy cost. In  the battle of Lancaster, my son Robert, Duke of York, took the field in my name against Fáelbe's forces. His  strategic prowess won the day, but he was struck down from behind in the melee by his traitorous half-brother. Fáelbe was then captured and thrown in prison, commonly now called "The kinslayer."

For once I will write a happy post :)

I thought it would be fitting to show a picture of prince woodmere, my happy idiot chocolate lab puppy, as today I feel almost as happy as he always seems to be.

There are very few feelings that can match the one you get when the fog of depression lifts. The sun comes out and everything is warm and fuzzy, I feel like a giddy 12 year old. Ironic that this moment would come while sitting and watching an absolutely crazy thunderstorm from my front step with a friend.

Yesterday I finally found "a game of thrones the board game" after looking under every rock for a week. I love the smell of a new board game. Hopefully tonight I will get some friends together to have a lovely round of screwing each over and lots of shouting and scheming.

Another special surprise came the other day in the form of a package. I ordered a small pendent with saint George the dragon slayer on it, which is identical to the one that my grandfather wears. I found it slightly silly that I am now wearing a heavily catholic / christian symbol, but I enjoy the mythology of the character and the idea of not letting your fear and doubt hold you back is something I can get behind.

Anyways, in conclusion; happy happy happy, happy, happy. Now I'm off to dream of Celtic trees.