Hummingbirds and Sunlight

The cool brass against my bare skin is relaxing like a soft breeze on a hot day.
The little sun pendent bouncing off my chest in tune with my stride, catching the light and reflecting it back out and away, as if it really was its own brilliant star.

I find myself caressing it between two fingers, deep in thought. Ironically in my head I am caressing something as well, but something very different, something warm.

The clink and clamber of life snaps me back to reality, and I let the pendent slip back into the depths my shirt.

Desire is a powerful thing. It controls you, shapes you, defines you. A hummingbird will starve to death if it doesn't find nectar every few hours. Are we all just hummingbirds flitting around the flowerbeds?

Looking back at the past

The things we used to do in the past always seem a bit odd from the present.


I find myself wondering if people run through so many causal friends as I do. I wonder what happened to them, are their lives going well?


I remember for awhile I was friends with two lesbian that would "Sneak" (I say sneak because it wasn't like I was forbidden from having people over late, but because at 2pm you tend to not want to wake up your parents regardless)  into my house, almost every other night. We would drink, and talk, and drink, and play video games, and drink. Once they even convinced me to take them to a strip club, man was that shit awkward.


I don't talk to them anymore, I remember I got angry cause I felt like they were using me.


Maybe this is just what happens when you are at this age, life is a mess of school, and work, and homework. Everyone is so desperately focused on preparing for the future that they neglect the present.


Many of, "the people that I used to know" simply moved to a different school. No conflict ending the friendship, just a discontinuation. Out of sight out of mind.


I remember this one Asian girl, one of the first friends I made at my new school. We used to hang out and text all the time. I remember the (as of this day) most awkward kiss we shared on the floor of her apartment, and then I remember how we both moved past it like it had never happened. I wonder if she even remembers that night? I know I didn't when I first started remembering our times together.


So this is how I remember these friends of past ages, The lesbians, the Asian, the girl from south Africa. Randomly, and surprisingly often I think of them.


Who do they remember me as? The moody boy from Lancaster? The boy with the curly blonde hair? That annoying guy?


Or do they not remember me at all?

The uncensored window into my thoughts that you never wanted

Today my mother told me that my opinion of beauty is warped because all of the chicks I hang out with are drop dead gorgeous.

She is right, about them being gorgeous at least. She said it after I told her that none of the girls at the bar last night were good looking. Maybe she thinks I am becoming vain.

To be fair I only exaggerated slightly, there was one pretty girl.

I am slowly coming to the realization that I am actually a really charismatic male. To think that a mere four years ago I was tripping over my words attempting to talk to the girl next to me in calc. Now I don't think there is a single attractive girl in my classes that I haven't, at a bare minimum, talked to. In fact, most of them I am now close friends with.

How times change, and yet how they stay the same.

I think perhaps my mom has a point. With the levels of physical and mental beauty my friends contain, will I be able to accept anything less as a girlfriend? Perhaps I've hit a crossroads, one that I couldn't have seen coming four years ago.

Can you settle for less than what is in front of you? And if you can, should you?

Or do you deserve only the best.