A rock and a Hard place

Friends. It is hard to keep the ones you enjoy, and even harder to get rid of the ones you hate.

I have always found the disparity between high school friends and college friends to be staggering. Your pre-college friends tend to be people you grew up with, you live near, you know each other's families, and have an intricate web of friendships and acquaintances. They may have changed since college, they may be complete assholes now, but it is hard to break such strong ties. You will put up with things from these people that you wouldn't let family get away with, you will lose your trust in them, and you will lose your respect for them, but even if you hate them you can't get away from them.

On the opposite, the friendships I have made in college have generally been created based on the character of the other person, and how well we connect. They are fragile friendships though. They do not have the web of connected friendships to keep communication tight. They are easily broken through small misunderstandings, things that wouldn't even  phase your friendship with the asshole from back home. You wish you could trade them, but you can't. Rome wasn't built in a day.

Why can't the people who make my smile simply with their presence have the time to see me on a regular basis. Why are the people I am around most often, the ones that put me down and make me depressed.

I wonder if I make anyone smile with my presence...

Looking back at the past

The things we used to do in the past always seem a bit odd from the present.


I find myself wondering if people run through so many causal friends as I do. I wonder what happened to them, are their lives going well?


I remember for awhile I was friends with two lesbian that would "Sneak" (I say sneak because it wasn't like I was forbidden from having people over late, but because at 2pm you tend to not want to wake up your parents regardless)  into my house, almost every other night. We would drink, and talk, and drink, and play video games, and drink. Once they even convinced me to take them to a strip club, man was that shit awkward.


I don't talk to them anymore, I remember I got angry cause I felt like they were using me.


Maybe this is just what happens when you are at this age, life is a mess of school, and work, and homework. Everyone is so desperately focused on preparing for the future that they neglect the present.


Many of, "the people that I used to know" simply moved to a different school. No conflict ending the friendship, just a discontinuation. Out of sight out of mind.


I remember this one Asian girl, one of the first friends I made at my new school. We used to hang out and text all the time. I remember the (as of this day) most awkward kiss we shared on the floor of her apartment, and then I remember how we both moved past it like it had never happened. I wonder if she even remembers that night? I know I didn't when I first started remembering our times together.


So this is how I remember these friends of past ages, The lesbians, the Asian, the girl from south Africa. Randomly, and surprisingly often I think of them.


Who do they remember me as? The moody boy from Lancaster? The boy with the curly blonde hair? That annoying guy?


Or do they not remember me at all?